2011 Season Preview (Nick of Time Edition)

Team LEOPARD TREK finally unveiled its remarkably "meh" kit in the most overblown and underachieving press conference since this on January 6th, 2011. The Tour Down under starts January 18th.  Here, cycling fans, is my rundown of the major teams that will factor in the upcoming campaigns:

All photos/graphics/logos relating to The Warriors courtesy The Warriors Movie Site


                         These are the Armies of the Peloton
1.

                                                   Garmin Cervelo
SOMMELIER: Johnathon Vaughters (Ajax)
WEAPONS:  Everyone... but who's Michel Kreder?

2. 

                                                   HTC-Highroad
THE BOSS: Bob Stapleton
PHAROAH: Mark "I'm not a fookin' animal, you know..." Cavendish

3.

                                                 Team LEOPARD TREK
TEAM MANAGER: Brian Nygaard
WEAPONS: Scarves (thanks to The Pit Walk), Fabian Cancellara, Jens Voigt, Andy Schleck's stomach, hair-gel.

4. 

                                             Liquigas-Cannondale
WEAPONS: These (from pezcyclingnews.com)

5.

                                              Omega Pharma-Lotto
WEAPONS: their website, the Pride of Wallonia (thanks to The Service Course)

6. 

                                               Saxo Bank Sungard
CAPTAIN of SHIP: Bjarne "everything is fine" Riis

7.

                                                   Sky Procycling
WEAPONS: Team bus, doing what every other team does with more pretension , free television

8.

                                                     Katusha Team
BOSS: Andre Tchmil 

9.                                     the Boyle Ave. Runners:

                                           Quickstep Cycling Team
WEAPONS: Tommeke and his his song (via Cycling Fans Anonymous)

10. 

                                                  Movistar Team
WEAPONS: This dude (who's featured on their their 2011 kit)

11. 

                                            Rabobank Cycling Team
ALL THEIR HOPES REST UPON: Robert Gesink, oops, I mean Robert Gesink

12.                                       the Baseball Furies:

                                                 Team Radioshack
BOSS:Johan Brunyeel, Lance "On your LEFT!" Armstrong, & this guy
FUTURE DEPENDS ON: Jeff Novitzky, battery sales, who am I kidding?
WEAPONS: Snicker Bars, In & Out Burger, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie, Chevrolet, Tiago Machado
TEAM SONG: This

13. 

                                                 BMC Racing Team
BOSS: Jim Ochowicz 
WEAPONS: Cadel "Cuddles" Evans, "Big" George "I had good legs on the Molenberg..." Hincapie, Taylor "not so mini" Phinney, Brent Bookwalter

14.

                                                 Euskaltel-Euskadi
TEAM LEADER: Igor Anton (image from Anne Cubberly)

15.

                                                 AG2R La Mondiale
WEAPONS: Pantone #19-0192 "Tawny Ultressa", Nicholas Roche
MISSING: Sebastian "Bernard's not related to" Hinault 

16.                                             the Gladiators:

                                Vacansoleil-DCM Pro Cycling Team
WEAPONS: Johnny Hoogerland, Stijn Devolder

17.                                       Satan's Mothers MC:

                                                Pro Team Astana
LEADER: Alexander "blood in my thighs" Vinokourov

18. 

                                                   Lampre-ISD
WEAPONS: Alessandro Petacchi, Damiano Cunego, Michele Scarpone


19.

            HTC-Highroad/Garmin-Cervelo/womens' pro-cycling
WEAPONS: Tough, Mara Abbott, Emma Pooley, Kristen Armstrong, Jeannie "Betty Norris" Longo-Ciprelli, and many, many, many more!

20.

                          Team Pegasus/Fly V Australia/Geox-TMC

21.                                            the Homeboys: 

               Androni Giocattoli-Serramenti PVC Diquigiovanni/
                                                  Acqua & Sapone