"TRAINING"

After spending the past 38 hours perusing the Internet for training strategies, nutritional advice, and mental focusing mantras the first thing I've realized is that FRS is very expensive. I've also managed to put myself into "sleep debt," but the innerwebs once told me sleep deprivation is "...no big deal." Huzzah! More FRS please! (If I take 3 Five Hour Energies, will that = 15 more hrs, or will I do things three times faster for 5?).

The first thing I've learned is that I need to locate my training "zones" by using The Karvonen Formula, which I first assumed was Bjarne Riis' recovery shake recipe circa 1996, until I stumbled across the simple directions at http://www.primusweb.com/fitnesspartner/library/activity/thr.htm. Since I hate homework, I've cheated and noticed that target HR charts were posted on the wall at the gym I "toured" with my free trial coupon (between the three main gyms' multiple locations and a copy machine, I figure I'll have the two weeks of my strength-phase covered). Apart from worries about "ghost pulses hidden in my thumb" and the fact that the 220-age HR formula was invented by a 12th century alchemist, I doubt Fausto Coppi even bothered to check his, so I'm counting beats and making a mix tape. Also, I saw "Lars," a "personal trainer" very personally training the woman next to me spread over a giant rubber ball, point at a chart. First problem: Some charts say 3 zones, some up to 6! Plus, some only count age in 10 yr blocks (round up?) and others calculate by graphs! Shit.

Second problem: http://www.training4cyclists.com/ says I have to perform a "threshold test" by riding an hour long time trial, or uphill over and over again, or something equally ridiculous like entering a criterium. Fortunately, I've managed to keep one entire year of Bicyling Magazine on hand (doesn't matter which year, any 12 issues will suffice, as only the pictures of the bikes change per issue), and have found solace with these words: "breathing based training zones."

Duh!

My Zones therefore:
1). Asleep
2). At work
3). Reading Cyclesport while comfortably holding a conversation, at work
4). Reading Ride while comfortably holding a conversation at my LBS
5). Riding my bike to Peets
6). Driving to Peets and trying to find a parking space

Next-up, the routine!

Il Grande Bicicletta

Post Tour depression is ugly and debilitating and only two courses of therapy are proven to ease the suffering: one requires copious amounts of disposable income and a Velonews New Product Guide (the new Time RxR Ulteam is aero, Euro, and stiff, just like the DJ last night!), and number two is, of course, going on a bike ride and suffering like the dog that I am until I can no longer contemplate a certain existential malaise. Aside from sharing some Nutella with Scarlett Johansson during a mutually therapeutic "post-ride" massage, remedy#1 is currently the least likely, and that means only one thing...

"Training."

And since this Tour was so jammed packed with "who shot JR?" drama, and Schlecks (twins or triplets?), this time I have to "train" for an actual goal:

Levis GranFondo!

Actually being dropped by numerous PRO riders and their friends is the only thing that can make me worthy of staying up all night to read live webcasts of races on Cyclingnews. "Neutral roll-out. Still neutral roll-out for the next 7 km, looks like Jens Voigt has his leg-grippers rolled up so we expect him to be on the attack, or he's working on his tan, and look at that, Pozzato is actually getting a tattoo from his team car, I think its a Spongebob-Bibpants!"

Six weeks till D(rop)-day! I have to get a base, build cycling specific strength, follow endurance specific nutrition plans, work on my CORE strength (whatever that is, but I think it helps with constipation), develop all sorts of "intervals," which I'm shocked to find out are not periods of "temporary cessation" at all, and practice "active-recovery," a little oxymoronic I realize, but wait until you hear about "hill-repeats!"

Stay tuned.